Palliation

I have been having panic attacks.

There are a few all-consuming things going on in life right now; licensing/certification exams, life-long commitments, fellowships, new homes & cities. In short, it is totally reasonable that I have been waking up at 3am with the taste of fear in my mouth. My couch and I have developed a meaningful relationship; watching the sun come up together can do that.

However, I am lucky to be working on a Palliative Care unit this month. I am looking after people in the last days of their lives and this is giving me some much-needed perspective.

First, let me say that, yes - the cliches are true. In Palliative Care, you get way more out of it than the patients do. There is the scientific aspect; learning to manage pain, dyspnea, agitation & end-of-life delerium. There is the compassionate aspect; you provide counselling and reassurance to people at a vulnerable time in their lives. There is the immediate reward of working shorter hours with fewer patients and less paperwork. Plus, every day is cake day on the PCU.

The darker side is the sense of relief I feel. At the end of the day, I can walk out the doors of the hospital and go home. I am not dying. I am young and strong and I have made choices that have lead me to a really happy time in my life.

So, frankly, I benefit a lot more than the patients.

I'm still glad I'm going to do ER training, but I could definitely see including palliative care into my practice. After all, the cake is delicious & moist and makes you glad to be alive.