24 hours

At three thirty on Tuesday afternoon, I sat in the library basement with my baby on my lap. We sang songs and passed toys around a circle of babies and carers. We clapped our hands, we stomped our feet, we shouted hurray! (We were happy and we knew it).

At three thirty Tuesday morning, I was doing chest compressions.

A young guy who worked at the hospital was chatting to his girlfriend on the phone. She said they were laughing and then suddenly he stopped.

She heard, "Oh my god, babe..." and then a horrible moaning sound. The phone dropped. The girlfriend also works at the hospital and called security to go find him. He was in an upper hallway, and by the time security got to him, he had been down for about 15 minutes. They called the code blue. We arrived and started doing all the things we do. Chest compressions. Intubation. Drilling into his bones so we could give IV fluids, drugs and electrolytes.

His girlfriend arrived and watched the whole process, sobbing and repeating, "He's ok. He's ok. He's fine..."

Blood started coming up the tube. We suctioned about a litre in the first 5 minutes. He still didn't have a pulse. More epinephrine. More bicarb. More compressions. Ten minutes passed. Twenty. Still no pulse. No shockable rhythms.

Finally, the code doc called it. After 30 minutes of no return of circulation, there's not going to be a heartbeat. We stopped working on him and started to pack up. Because it was a mysterious death, we weren't allowed to remove his tubes or wires. The coroner was called to assess the scene. The police were involved. The girlfriend lay across her partner's body and gently stroked his hair.

"We had such a nice conversation..." she said.

It was a bad night.

12 hours later, I held a chubby squirmy girl in my lap and nuzzled into the softness of her neck. I sang songs to her and tried not to think about having to do compressions on her. Or having to drill into her bones. Or having to put a tube in her throat.

99% of the time, my job is awesome. The other 1% gives me nightmares.