Master Class

I am a 30 year old professional woman.

I am a 15 year old girl.

I am home for this lengthy vacation because my program offers "conference leave". I blithely fudged a "Marriage Conference"; a master class in parenting, child psychiatry and general medical knowledge. Alas, karma is a bitch. I am now injured, highly parented and having a regressive episode. I am living the master class.

What have I learned so far?

- Physiotherapy is a real thing. I woke up walking like a 90 year old due to a mysterious back pain. After 30 minutes with the physio I was walking like a 70 year old. He snap, crackle & popped me into shape, all the while using vaguely familiar anatomical terms like "spine" and "joint". Voodoo.

- State dependant memory is a real thing. That is, the things you learn when drunk will escape you when sober, but come rushing back next time you have a drink. Alas, high school appears to be a state of mind as well. Sitting around the table with people who saw you go through puberty brings back some startling memories. Mostly involving nudity.

- Regression is a real thing. I am depressingly unable to care for myself when my parents are around. In TO I am on top of my game, baking, washing, working, studying and managing everything with aplomb. In Vancouver, I can't buy tylenol without supervision (who knew there were so many kinds?).

While I am basking in the family time, I am also looking forward to a time where I don't burst into tears at the thought of making a decision. When I get back, I'll be starting pediatrics; once my favourite rotation, now a source of great anxiety (eg: it's all fun & games till someone kills a baby). I am sure I'll look back fondly on this time of being wrapped in a fluffy cocoon of family. I am sure. Any minute now...

theme song

Sometimes we can take ourselves too seriously.

It's easy to get swept up. "I'm a Doctor. I'm doing BIG THINGS. Lives are in MY hands. Blah di blah di blah."

Especially at St Mike's, where we specialize in dealing with marginalized populations; "I work with HIV patients".
"Well, I work with homeless people".
"And I work with people who are both..."

It gets competitive.

It also gets a bit wearing. The responsibility feels too big. The decisions you make feel crucial AND pointless. You get burned out.

Luckily, there's Seaton House. Toronto's largest shelter for men. They let us come in three times a week and we try to do some work. Right now, there are 4 residents and rotating medical students. We residents are all female.

One of us (V) looks like Sophia Loren, wears designer clothing and hates every second that she spends in the infirmary.
One of us (A) has adopted a supercilious attitude (see above) and likes to talk to her patients in what we've come to call "the Mom voice".
One of us (M) is chronically late, loud, inappropriate and (obviously) all her patients adore her. And there's me (S). Deeply cynical, easily annoyed and struggling with my control issues.
We are caricatures.

It got to the point where one of the medical students suggested we write a sitcom about our experiences. "5 girls" was born from a theme song and a snide comment but it has taken on a life of it's own.

Upcoming episodes:
- the one where M realizes she's had glass in her foot for 3 weeks and S tries to take it out without her noticing.
- the one where S finds out her "HIV+" patient isn't
- the one with the cockroach (hilarity ensues)
- the one where V loses it and refuses to see any patients all week
- the one where our supervising doctor reveals that he lives in a commune and has bedbugs

Each episode is punctuated with sassy repartee and girlish gossip.

Plus! The patients! These gentleman alternate between amused and horrified with their treating doctors (fun with racism!). They sometimes disappear on crack binges and don't take their ARVs. They sometimes try to hit on their doctors.

A running gag features the girls trying to work without sitting on any of the chairs (this following "the one where the guy lets his penile discharge drain onto the chair").

Every episode closes with the girls at their favourite sandwich joint or coffee shop, laughing and bonding over their shared experience.

Now, when things get out of hand (when you see the bed bugs, when the rash flakes onto your jeans, when your patient tries to steal your watch) you just turn to the camera, give a cheery smile and sing....

"Fiiiive giiiirls, working at Seaton House!"