Consequences...

A 13 year old was brought to ER by his mother with flu symptoms. I assessed him, determined that there were no signs of bacterial infection and gave them my spiel about rest, fluids and over the counter analgesia. Mother seemed happy. Son seemed fine.

As I turned to leave the consult room, the mother stopped me.

"Doctor, I have another question. Just a quick one. When should my son's foreskin fully pull back?"

I paused.

Trying not to look at his mother at all, I asked him the key questions; can he pee without foreskin ballooning? Has he had any infections under the foreskin? Does it ever get stuck in the retracted position?

He stared firmly over my shoulder. Yes. No. No.

"But what we can do about it? Does he have to have a surgery?"

"Well, ma'am. As long as there are no side effects, it can be normal for the foreskin to remain tight until even as old as age 17. The recommended way to "loosen" it is to continually retract and replace it, which most young guys end up doing a lot during adolescence."

I am now looking firmly at the mother, but I can FEEL the blush running up this kid's body. She says, "What can I do to help?"

"Well, a good quality moisturiser could help with the friction..."

This poor kid. His mother and a lady doctor discussing optimal masturbation technique. I bet he ends up deeply scarred and only able to ejaculate while eating an orange out of a paper Whole Foods bag.

I was only trying to help.

Too Good Not to Share

A 28 year old woman walks into the cubicle.

Her: "My tooth has been really hurting for a few days now. I took some (branded strong painkillers) that I had at home but they didn't work and now I feel all sleepy and nauseated and weird."
Me: "Why did you have those strong painkillers at home?"
Her: "Well, they're actually for my dog..."
...
Me: "Why does your dog take these painkillers?"
Her: "Oh, he had surgery recently."

Not only did she take DOG MEDICINE, but she overdosed on it.
Not only did she overdose on painkillers, but she stole those painkillers from a WOUNDED DOG.

I didn't know what to do, so I laughed at her for a while, then sorted out a dental appointment and sent her home.

My job can be delightful sometimes.