Listen to your body...

Alternative health practitioners sometimes use something called "sounding"***. This is where they hold things (foods, medicines, photos of serial killers) near the patient's body and see how the body reacts.

If certain muscles twitch and heart rates change, this object is deemed positive. If other muscles kick in, or you start sweating profusely or vomit, this object is deemed negative. This food/medicine/person is bad for you & you should avoid them.

In short, you are supposed to listen to your body and avoid the things that are specifically toxic to you.

I thought of this last night. At 3am I was curled in the fetal position outside a patient's room. I was using all my energy to not vomit or lose consciousness. I think that baby-catching might not be my thing.

It was a busy day. I delivered 3 babies.

#1 Was a bit of a mess; baby had the cord wrapped around it's neck 3 times, wound so tight we could barely get scissors under it. Still, once babe was resuscitated, he started breathing on his own and should be fine.

#2 I delivered alone. Baby slid smoothly into my hands, parents and I rejoiced, I delivered the placenta and my boss complemented me on my cool. Yay!

#2-b I missed. My pager didn't go off in time, so I ran into the room to hear that sheep-like cry that signals new life.

#3 - I got paged at 2:45am. I ran downstairs. She was pushing. It was her first baby. Her skin was very tight and baby was just not coming. She pushed. She pushed. She pushed. Baby's head kept pressing the skin apart, then falling back. Finally baby came. Meconium in the liquor, baby was silent, but opened his eyes right away. Lots of blood. Lots of tearing. The placenta took a while to come. My boss and I were leaning in to start repairing some of the damage when everything went hot. I realised that I was going to throw up. The nearest bowl was full of placenta. I said, "Excuse me Dr, I need to step outside" and collapsed in the hallway.

Anyhoo, I think this is a sign. Every delivery gives me flashbacks. Every delivery makes me feel unwell. I don't like the smells. I don't like the sounds. The mess. The lack of control. I also don't like waking up surrounded by smirking nurses; don't get me wrong, they looked after me well, but I have yet to convince them that I'm not pregnant. They're already booking my delivery.

So, in conclusion: baby-catching? Not for me.

On to the next block, please!

***Don't quote me on this. I learned about sounding from a high-school friend who now practices as a HORSE naturopath. She uses this technique on horses. HORSES!

How to have a baby:

2009 was the last time I tried to catch a baby. I was young and keen, with catlike speed and reflexes. I dropped her.

(Full disclosure: baby was being born onto soft mattress, fell only 3cm, was caught on first bounce, no harm no foul.)

I am supposed to be baby catching this time tomorrow night. I am older, slower and definitely more sleep-deprived. I am frantically trying to relearn the many components required for successful vaginal delivery.

The textbooks say "Only 3 things are required for successful labour: power, passage & passenger."

Power = uterine contractions. Apparently 3-5 in ten minutes is adequate, but there's no real science behind this rather blase statement.

Passage = um, the birth passage. Any obstructions, like say, YOUR SOFT TISSUE, will be rent asunder by the force of your uterus pushing an entire person through an inflexible space and...No, no, no. Calm down. Generally it works out. As long as your bones are wide enough to pass a head, you're fine. Ish.

Passenger = the important bit. The reason we're all here. There are one or two things that need to be perfect if Baby is going to be perfect:

1. Lie: longitudinal, transverse, oblique. (hint: transverse = bad)

2. Position: the way the head points - it should come halfway out at OT, then (like in the Exorcist) rotate spontaneously before shooting out at high speed in OA position.

3. Presentation: the bit that comes out first. Hope to see the back of the head. All else is doom.

4. Attitude: a real problem in kids these days. JK, attitude is the way they're flexed - if you see a chin first, that kid has BAD attitude and will need a caeser.

5. Station: how far into the pelvis we are. -1 is approaching the hole, +4 is leaving the building.

6. Size: less than 9lbs would be nice. More than 9 and we start to have tears. Rhymes with beers tears and rhymes with cares tears. So many tears. Note to self: don't date men who brag about what big babies they were.

Also, if there is more than one baby, or baby has devil-horns or a tail, this will make things interesting. If things are interesting, something's going wrong.

So there you have it. Three simple components, each with 3-5 sub-requirements, 6 caveats, 4 additional notes and a partridge in a pear tree. Having babies is hard.

Making babies? That's a whole other post.