Nope.

This is the stupidest day of my life.

Yesterday, I got up extra early to be in the cardiac cath lab for 7:45. There, I was scheduled to insert a large-bore femoral line into a man's groin. This is done in order to prepare me for emergency situations where urgent IV access is needed. I arrived, put on my new blue scrubs and introduced myself to the patient, the techs, the fellows et al. I helped set up the equipment. The head cardiologist arrived.

"Ehm, this patient is anticoagulated, so it might be a bit messy. Why don't you just watch this one?"

I smiled, nodded. It made sense. If the patient's blood is thinned (anticoagulated), there is greater risk for bruising and hematomas. I watched the fellow insert the lines, taking note of the smooth and gentle technique.

They were supposed to call me in the afternoon so I could insert the lines in a less complicated patient. They called me at 2:00pm.

"Um, the surgeon is scrubbed and they're starting the procedure. Did you still want to come watch?"

No.

Today, I was optimistic. Today, I would practice a valuable skill! Scrubs on, smile in place, I arrived bright and early.

"Today's patient is a bit complicated, perhaps you could watch the morning case and..."

I gritted my teeth, smiled.

I watched today's Fellow attempt the insertion. His technique was not unlike a jackhammer. He wiggled the needle back and forth in what could be best described as "vein-shredding fashion". I watched blood bubble out of the groin and bruises form in the patient's crotch.

The Cardiologist patted me on the shoulder. "Why don't you come back for this afternoon's case?"

I had to decline.

This afternoon, from 2-5, I was scheduled for Eye Enucleation training. That's where you remove the eyeballs from corpses so they can be used for transplant. I explained this to the cardiologist, who said, "Well, if we start early, we'll give you a call..."

No call.

I arrived, full of nervous anticipation (I am a regular anatomy-lab fainter), at 2pm. Then I checked the schedule. The class actually started at 3pm. I could have tried for another femoral line. I was annoyed, but consoled myself that at least I was missing one skill to learn another.

But. The cadavers were over-preserved. The Doc tried to pry the eyelids open and they just peeled off in her hands. We attempted to gently cut around the ligaments and little bits of stuff kept flying up like formaldehyde-scented confetti. The afternoon was a write-off.

The last 48 hours have been a useless mess. I feel like a useless, hot mess. I am going to drink a bottle of wine and get a sunburn, and celebrate my birthday in style.

Taking the long way...

This morning, I helped the team insert five thick wires into a man's groin. Well, his femoral artery. He was awake, and I kept patting his shoulder and saying, "It's alright Mr X, it's supposed to sting a little". Then his arterial blood sprayed me.

Then I watched a video to prepare for tomorrow's lab session. In the film, a cadaver has it's eyelids cut away in preparation for corneal harvesting. Our job, as ER docs, is to cut the ligaments that hold the eye in place, then pop out the eyeball and put it in the esky (cooler, to you Canadians).

Then, I opened up my schedule for August. ER involves shift work at all times of day. I will be working for about 10 days in a row, between chunks of time off. Most of my shifts will be at night or in the evenings. I will not see much of my partner, who moved to Kingston in order to spend time with me.

This afternoon, another groin, more wires.

I am staring over the precipice of the "What have I done?" spiral.

I could be working Monday to Thursday, nine to five, with weekends and holidays, living in Toronto surrounded by friends. Instead, I picked the worst possible option for a newly married family doctor about to take on a huge amount of debt. Blerg, blerg, blerg.

flipflop

I still don't know about Kingston.

It's incredibly beautiful and offers everything I've missed about Vancouver. I ran along the waterfront this morning before attending a free Yoga in the Park. I hit up farmers markets and sat in green spaces and I can stare out across a large body of water.

Now I'm missing the ease of interaction that I had in Toronto.

It's not all bad. On Friday night, I ran into a group of ER folks on their way to the bar. They grabbed me, bought me beer & chicken and told me good things about my program.

However, Saturday night, I met another group of ER folks for dinner. One girl gave monologue about viral cultures. One guy appeared to be sleeping, but would occasionally mention how much he liked hot sauce before lapsing into silence. I found myself calculating how many minutes of Netflix I was giving up to be there.

I tried to make a joke about cocaine zombies at dinner and got a round of blank stares (when coke is cut with levimasole then they call it "zombie crack" cos it makes bits of your face fall off). The average age in my program is 25, and these bright shining kids just don't get drug humor, I guess.

At least this week I'm learning ophthalmology. I will spend my mornings ramming into people's foreheads with the slit-lamp, poking them with q-tips and trying to figure out if their red eye is serious, or just allergies. I will practice cutting out an eyeball from a cadaver so that I can harvest corneas for transplant. (I will also see World War Z, so expect nightmares).

Right now, I'll watch the sunset from my window and hope I made the right choice. 2 weeks down, 50 to go.