Incident Report

My patient this afternoon was a young woman. At 25, she had never had a pap smear, so I carefully explained the procedure, making sure to reassure her that a) it should not be too uncomfortable and b)it would be over quickly.

We got started. In soothing tones, I talked her through the steps;

"I'm just going to place my hand here. Take a deep breath, try to relax..."
"I'm inserting the speculum now. Deep breath, try to relax..."
"I'm just getting the first swab. Deep breath..."

There was a crack. I turned back. The plastic speculum had broken. Shattered, actually, against the pressure of her internal musculature. I maintained the soothing tones.

"Ok, so that noise you heard was the speculum breaking. That doesn't normally happen. Are you feeling alright?"
"Um, it's a bit uncomfortable."
(No shit! Holy jesus, your ladyness is full of sharp plastic shards! I'm surprised you're not screaming!)
"Alright, love, I'm just going to remove those bits and put a new one in. Deep breath, try to relax..."

We got through it, but I'm pretty sure she's traumatized.

Hell, I'm traumatized. I never want to see another crappy plastic speculum as long as I live. I told my boss and she baulked. Actually flinched. We exchanged glances and said, "At least she doesn't have to do it again until next year..."

The job may not be glamorous, but it's never boring.