How to have a baby:

2009 was the last time I tried to catch a baby. I was young and keen, with catlike speed and reflexes. I dropped her.

(Full disclosure: baby was being born onto soft mattress, fell only 3cm, was caught on first bounce, no harm no foul.)

I am supposed to be baby catching this time tomorrow night. I am older, slower and definitely more sleep-deprived. I am frantically trying to relearn the many components required for successful vaginal delivery.

The textbooks say "Only 3 things are required for successful labour: power, passage & passenger."

Power = uterine contractions. Apparently 3-5 in ten minutes is adequate, but there's no real science behind this rather blase statement.

Passage = um, the birth passage. Any obstructions, like say, YOUR SOFT TISSUE, will be rent asunder by the force of your uterus pushing an entire person through an inflexible space and...No, no, no. Calm down. Generally it works out. As long as your bones are wide enough to pass a head, you're fine. Ish.

Passenger = the important bit. The reason we're all here. There are one or two things that need to be perfect if Baby is going to be perfect:

1. Lie: longitudinal, transverse, oblique. (hint: transverse = bad)

2. Position: the way the head points - it should come halfway out at OT, then (like in the Exorcist) rotate spontaneously before shooting out at high speed in OA position.

3. Presentation: the bit that comes out first. Hope to see the back of the head. All else is doom.

4. Attitude: a real problem in kids these days. JK, attitude is the way they're flexed - if you see a chin first, that kid has BAD attitude and will need a caeser.

5. Station: how far into the pelvis we are. -1 is approaching the hole, +4 is leaving the building.

6. Size: less than 9lbs would be nice. More than 9 and we start to have tears. Rhymes with beers tears and rhymes with cares tears. So many tears. Note to self: don't date men who brag about what big babies they were.

Also, if there is more than one baby, or baby has devil-horns or a tail, this will make things interesting. If things are interesting, something's going wrong.

So there you have it. Three simple components, each with 3-5 sub-requirements, 6 caveats, 4 additional notes and a partridge in a pear tree. Having babies is hard.

Making babies? That's a whole other post.