Everything is heightened when you don't sleep. I've been on call for 72 hours in the last 5 days. Last night my pager went off at 5am and I woke to run to a Code Blue. 45 seconds from waking to pushing down on a man's rib-cage so hard that his ribs scrunched. He died anyways. It was truly horrifying, but I didn't have time to process it during the night. Today, I had nightmares.
Of course, this highly emotional state leads to big questions; what am I doing with my life? Am I making the right choices? Should I cut off all my hair?
I don't think I'll ever get convincing answers. And I don't know if it's better to roll the dice, despite your doubts, or to hold off and wait until you're sure. I've been alive for 31 years, and the only thing I was sure of, medicine, is making me question everything else.
Blah blah blah. Deep thoughts have no place in a post-call brain. Forgive the maudlin crap, I will be back and bright tomorrow. With proper medical tales to tickle your brain and poke your gag reflex.
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