NPR

Neonatal resuscitation follows the same principles as adult resuscitation, right? Like, babies should be, like, breathing and stuff. They should totally have, like, heart beats. And oxygen. Oxygen is totes essential.

This was my approach to NRP (and not NPR, as I've been calling it). I thought that newborns were much like tiny tiny adults, and that you could simply open their mouths, grab their wrists for a pulse and treat them like grownups.

Wrong.

Scenario:
Baby is blue. What do you do?
Me: Um, intubate them and start CPAP.
NRP: Wrong. You popped the tiny lungs and now the baby is dead.
Me: !
Me: Um, ok. Just apply the mask and give CPAP.
NRP: Wrong. There was baby-poop in the baby's throat and now it's dead.
Me: !!
Me: Well, what if I just open the airway with this head position and bag and mask the baby until help arrives.
NRP: Wrong. You have the baby's head in the wrong position. And it is...
Me: Dead. Slippery little suckers, aren't they.
NRP: !!!

The correct choice? Don't answer your pager.

Clearly, everything I do to this baby is lethal or torturous or both. Might as well hide in the call room watching "Say Yes to the Dress" marathons and practicing my penmanship. Letters from inmates are all the rage these days.

Disclaimer: My NRP exam is tomorrow. I am only studying. I have not killed any babies yet. I do not intend to.

The babies may have other plans.
I'll keep you posted.