power play

Life is short. So short that last week I found myself sobbing in my program director's office.

The background:
The acting lessons have continued. They have, in fact, escalated. We are interviewing fake patients up to 3 times a day. After EACH and EVERY interaction, we are asked, "What communication skills did you use?", "What made you choose that communication skill?" and "How did that make you feel?".

I have been communicating exactly how this makes me feel.

For example:

"I feel that you have a different agenda than I do. I care about talking to my patient, you care about my ability to identify what communication strategies I am using when talking to my patient. If I think about what strategies I'm using, I stop listening to the patient!" (mild)

"What strategies have I used? Listening and responding appropriately." (moderate)

"I DON'T CARE ABOUT THE COMMUNICATION, I CARE ABOUT THE CONTENT!" (severe)

When I emerged from the ladies room last Tuesday, the program director was waiting for me. "Are you Samantha? Can I have a word?"
"Am I in trouble?"
"No! Don't be silly. I just want to get some feedback from you..."

She took me up to her office and assured me that this was a safe space, that I could give her honest feedback and that she was on my side. She then told me that there had been complaints from the actors. Complaints that said I was impatient. That I seemed bored. That I seemed frustrated.

I nodded. "Yes, I am bored. I find this course extremely frustrating and boring."

Awkward silence.

She started again, "Are you having personal difficulties in your life? Is that why you're frustrated? "

"No. No! I am angry because three months ago I was a respected professional and now I am being asked to perform skits on the meanings of common English words. I am frustrated because I have been effectively communicating with patients for years now. I am bored because we did simulated patient interviews in medical school."

Silence.

"Well, we're on your side. We know that you speak English. And we acknowledge that you don't need to be doing this communication course. And we know you know how to talk to patients. But..."
"But?"
"But the actors have the power here, so you'd better pull your head in or go home."

At this point I was so angry that I burst into tears. Life is short! I have no power! This course is 6 weeks of my life that I will never get back!

The program director visibly perked up at the sight of me crying.

"Oh, you're upset! Would you like to go talk to the actors now? Cos I'm sure they would really love to respond to your emotions..."

That's right little monkey. Cry for the actors. Cry so they may relish your misery!

It's been a rough week. Thank God for long weekends. I need an Easter basket.