Up for the challenge...

In Cutting for Stone, the protagonist says, "I thought I should do the hardest thing, so I picked surgery".

Last week, we did (more) interviews with simulated patients. One person interviews, three people watch and we cycle through the group. On Monday, the theme was "boundaries". The first patient had latent homosexual tendencies and was ashamed. The second patient was having an affair with her boss. The third patient was mine.

She was a chatty, overly friendly person who reeked of loneliness and desperation. Throughout the session, she repeatedly invited me out for coffee, touched my knee, insisted that we would be best friends and asked me for details about my personal life. A classic case of boundary violation. A possible borderline personality disorder.

I repeatedly, politely, stopped her: asking her for more space, deflecting the conversation from me to her and explaining that our doctor-patient relationship prevented us from engaging in social contact. She didn't let up.

Borderline personalities are characterized by unstable and intense personal relationships, frantic efforts to avoid perceived or real abandonment, impulsive behaviours and frequent attempts at self harm. In short, unstable, clingy and bat-shit crazy.

The third time she ignored my "stop" I panicked. I totally freaked out and literally got out of my chair and walked away from her. From an actor.

On Thursday, I was assigned to interview an acutely psychotic patient. He was obviously hallucinating, terrified of what he was hearing, and stated that I was one of Satan's minions. Again, I freaked out. This time, there was no touching, no disrespect, no violation, just pure and simple madness. The hair on the back of my neck was on end. Again, just an actor.

Aside from these two interviews, the rest of the course has been easy. I am good at sex-talk, depression, prostates and poo. I am good at communicating with most people when it comes to their health. Severe mental illness I find utterly confronting and am unable to cope with it.

I think I have to go into psychiatry.