Eleventh Hour

I met a Kiwi doctor who working as the Orthopaedic resident in Warrnambool. I asked her if she was interested in pursuing surgery as a career (the only people who take these jobs voluntarily tend to be folks ready to sacrifice 6 years of life/happiness at the alter of SET training) and she said, "Oh, I don't know. I'm very laid back. I'll just see what happens."

I was immediately suspicious.

Anyone who says, "I'm really laid back" isn't. It's like someone telling you, "I have a great sense of humor", "I don't care what people think about me", or "I won't get emotionally attached if we hook up". Lies. All lies.

Cynical? Not even.

Part of it comes from observing patients who tell you earnestly that they're dieting/quitting/taking their meds. The desire to make it true translates into a wide-eyed avowal of honesty that is integral to their sense of self. (Challenge at your peril...)

I also recognize the tone of voice/innocent expression/defiant head tilt from years of protesting too much. In the years applying to Canadian medical school, I kept saying, "I don't care if I get in, if its meant to be it will happen..." And then I'd scream at my boyfriend for agreeing with me (sorry J).

So, with tomorrow being the kickoff for Canadian job applications I would like to get the following out in the open:
- I am freaking out that I will spend all of next year homeless and unemployed
- I care waaaay too much that my Canadian training wont live up to Aussie standards
- I am worried that I'm doing this cos I'm bored in Melbourne and will be bored in other cities too

There. It's out. Friends and relatives can breathe easy.

Anyways, the Kiwi doctor and I chatted on about job applications and prospects for the future. I ventured that it was quite stressful making decisions about the next year when the outcomes were so unknown. She looked at me and said, "Well Sam, it might be for you. But I'm very laid back..."

Then she told me a story about how her boss called her beautiful, which ended, "But I really don't care what he thinks about me..."

Amazing.
Maybe psychiatry does have some appeal.