mumsy

People often refer to specialties as having personalities. For example, at St V's, the surgeons were brusque, competitive and hyper-masculine. The medical folk were the intellectuals of the team. The ED physicians were the kid running around the back of the classroom after drinking too much red cordial.

I am noticing that different facets of my personality come out to play when I'm immersed in different specialties. Doing internal medicine (in the country) brought out my dispassionate, methodical scientist. I became pragmatic about prolonging suffering, and so convinced more than one patient that it was time to let go.

When I was on cardiac surgery, I behaved like a crazed femme fatale. Stalking about the ward in dresses and heels (when I wasn't in scrubs) I would flirt with my patients while telling them that there was no problem we couldn't handle. Atrial fibrillation? No worries. Chest pain? I can handle it. Cardiac arrest, opening the chest on the ward and hand pumping until we get to theatre? Doesn't faze me. I projected an aura of absolute confidence, wrapped in swishy silks. Then I would go home and cry.

Family medicine is bringing out a dangerous, unfamiliar side. My maternal side. I listen to my patients and I want to hug them. To feed them. To help them get their lives back on track. This is, surprisingly, a problem. My patients this week have been crack addicted felons, meth-heads who are high WHILE I'm talking to them and HIV+ guys who think bare-backing is ok as long as they come "outside". These are tricky people to help.

Still, there were some good moments. Showing a guy the latest cool condoms (courtesy of Trojan) and seeing him take a fistful home. Having my patient shake my hand and thank me for listening. Even the meth-head said, "This was a good day, doc..."*

I suppose that I was initially concerned with the ambiguity, or "soft" side of family med. I was worried that I'd stop being a doctor and turn into a mom. A big, softy. It turns out it's not that simple. Even when you're suppressing the urge to pat everyone on the head and call them "love".

* He followed this with "cos I had 3 women looking at my dick". I choose to only hear the first bit.